but at my back i always hear...

time's winged chariot drawing near.

lately i have been having problems with time management. this should seem strange, because right now i have neither job nor classes. i am working on a thesis, but it doesn't take up as much time as either of the above two things. why am i not relaxed and meditative all the time? i have been filling my time with the following:

yoga
language learning
reading
running
other exercises
cleaning house
sewing things
baking
beauty rituals (homemade facials, pedicures, etc.)
films
camping
being in a play
church stuff
gardening
opera singing
friend time
and other stuff

well, all these things are frankly awesome, right? but i have been so. stressed. out. and i think im trying to do too much; every activity i do i am thinking of what i will do next, im never in the moment. and last night i figured out why: i'm afraid of death.

maybe that seems superficial, but honestly. i cant stand the thought of never being a great opera singer, never speaking portugese, never being in plays, never publishing a novel, never learning how to bake grandly, never raising my own food, never knitting my own sweaters, never....etc. i cant make up my mind what to do with my time because it necessarily means im NOT doing something else, which is unbearable because ultimately there will be a big, fat END. death. it just sits there, quietly, at the end, inevitable. big old nothing. silence, quiet as the grave, and final.

this raises the next question pertaining to time management: if our time is so unbearably limited, if we will never visit all the countries or bake all the cakes or watch all the movies, as wonderful as these things are, what SHOULD we do with our time? what is this short, limited, painful life for? what is the most important thing? is it for developing relationships with others? is it for learning how to communicate with God? is it for understanding and loving our bodies? is it for the development of talents? is it the search for objective universal truth? how can we bear not fully completing any of these tasks?

now im a religious person. i believe the soul lives on. i even believe eventually the body will live on. and justin says the most important thing in this life is probably charity, which loosely implies relationships with other people. this might even include god, since it says in the book "whatsoever thou doest unto the least of thy brethren thou doest unto me." so maybe the best way to god is through people. the mormon view of heaven is that people go on working after they die, reaching out to and helping other people, both living and dead. heaven is a state of perpetual service.

but service is almost too strong a pleasure for me; at least, for all the time. it's a mix of terror and pleasure, humility and humiliation. interaction with other people always compromises the self (or creates it; either way its painful). i need simpler things. are there bakeries in heaven? do i get to make cakes with the finest vanilla and most beautiful powdered cocoas (that make you skinnier)? do i get to become a ballroom dancer, a talent i never had in this life? or are these things selfish? maybe dance halls and bakeries go in a secondary heaven. can we do everything after death, or will we only ever want to be engaged in service? i cant imagine myself in that state. i guess that means i am in spiritual trouble.

today i tried to live life as if i wasn't going to die...lazily, pleasurably. doing good, certainly (i saved a baby robin...didn't eat it), but not agitated, not driven like usual. but that's not it either.

how do you deal with death? do you throw a buddhist fit, and decide that if you can't have everything, you don't want anything at all? do you pick a christian martyrdom, and give up all pleasures for painful, ascetic, service which if you do it right you die without ever tasting chocolate mousse? do you choose a modern view, and go for everything you want right now? do you seek balance? righteous extremes? pleasure?

we are all going to die. how about that. what are we doing, and what do we do?